I said now...

Race Has A Place In The Election...So It Seems.

2008-10-24T07:03:00.000-07:00

I think and have always thought that Black people are voting for Obama just because he is black... Click here to see my point...pretty telling.

Take a Look!

2008-10-01T07:59:00.001-07:00

www.barackobamatest.com

We Can't Come In The Booth With You...Can We?

2008-10-01T06:46:00.000-07:00

Why is it that the Obama voters are largely not registered to vote? Does this strike anyone else as odd? Do we really want people voting in an election that have been able to vote for 10, 20, 30, 40, some, even 50 years, and this is their first time? Not only that, but they have to be told 78 times how to register, and because nobody trusts them to actually vote on voting day, we have to make exceptions that allow them to register and vote on the same day!?! This is just like this who-er in my freshman dorm that walked me down to the lobby to vote for her friend for Student Government President...I didn't care who won, but if she was going to make it easy for me to go do it, and gave me a free t-shirt, then, hey, why not. I had no knowledge of who else was nominated and no knowledge of any platform that either party had, so my decision was not an informed one, but the people I was voting for were white and they wore jeans and said "awesome" a lot, so I figured "I'm white, I wear jeans, and I say Awesome," so I voted for them. This is not entirely dissimilar to how Obama is running things. Grabbing people from nursing homes, inner city slums, and right off the streets. I believe that if you can't figure out text messaging, then you shouldn't use it...if you can't figure out Tivo, then you shouldn't get one, and if you can't figure out how to make your way down to the local church or city hall to vote on voting day, then you shouldn't get one!

Why the Dems Always Drop the Ball on the 10

2008-09-26T09:27:00.000-07:00

To have a primary be so close and have an obvious two-some that a United States could stand behind seemed like it just couldn't be...that is until the extreme popularity of Obama and Clinton. Whichever one was going to be slotted to take the seat of President, it was so completely obvious to us Republicans that this election would not be winnable because The One would choose the other to be their number 2. A few weeks later Obama did what all Democratic Nominees in the recent past have done, he saw a way to lose, and he took it. Obama chose 9,000 vote getting Joe Biden..."huh?!?" said the Democrats..."Oh, okay, I was wondering how they were going to Fuck this up..." said the Republicans, and so here we are in a dead heat. Now, there are rumblings that Joe Biden is going to step down due to "health concerns," even though, all VP nominees were given rigorous health screenings beforehand, and allow Clinton back in the race as the VP nominee. This may have worked 2 days after Biden was announced, but now, I think that the GOP will crush any such attempt as BHO's inexperience in making decisions. The only way that this can possibly be something that would push the Dem's over the top, and I'm not trying to help them out, even though you feel sorry that they are so stupid, is if BHO took a backseat to Clinton and run under the guise of a 16 year America fix (for our children, for our children's children type thing.) That may get me to swing towards the left, but as it sits now, NO WAY, NO HOW, NOBAMA! Any thoughts on my brilliance?

What I Learned Over The Weekend...

2008-09-16T11:04:00.000-07:00

If you are at a nice bar, never agree to change locations with someone who is dressed like they shouldn't be there...it's a bad idea, and you are sure to end up at a place that laughs at you for even saying Grey Goose, much less asking if there is any in the building.

AND, never let a drunk person convince you that you are okay to drive home when you know better...especially if half way through their convincing they blink a bunch of times and then start accidentally talking to the person next to you. The fact that someone else has been brought into the equation of convincing you to drive should be enough to know that you shouldn't.

NEVER FORGET

2008-09-11T10:40:00.001-07:00

Let's Get Some Perspective People!!!

2008-09-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

I have never been one to go on and on about my political views, but if after hearing Barack Obama speak about how his inexperience is a good thing, I just feel that people that agree with that, must have their heads up their asses! If fortune 500 companies ran that way, their stock would plummet, and the eyes of their competition would grow huge with visions of hostile takeovers and more strategic brand positioning. Can you even imagine quiting your job today to become the CEO of Disney, and the Board at Disney saying "well, you have no experience actually working at this level, but you were a clerk at the Disney Store in highschool, and you do know all the words to It's A Small World, and sang them so beautifully everytime we questioned your experience, so I guess this is a really good idea." And the stockholders saying "you know, I saw him hanging out with that Warner Brothers guy that always talks shit about Mickey being a fag, and how Goofy hates white dogs, but he says he never heard him say that, and that guy got fired from WB yesterday...so...anyway, you guys hear his rendition of A Whole New World...gave me goosebumps!" "Uh, so let's hire him...anything is better than that Eisner fella, with his whole "I want to be just like Walt Disney" garbage, and his 26 years of experience heading up our strategic planning department!"" See, sounds silly when you put it with anything else...in summation, Vote McCain/Palin

The Pressure To Blog...

2008-08-25T10:01:00.000-07:00

It is such an added pressure to find something to blog about, so I have stopped as of late. I feel that some of the things are not worthy of other people reading...as I can tell from some of your blogs (Iris,) I am alone in that thinking. Anyway...to catch everyone up, my wife and I got a townhouse in a very nice neighborhood, so if anyone is in the Cleveland area...stop by and say hey...no, it wouldn't be awkward since that is the first time we would be meeting face to face...would it? Ok, maybe it would...we should maybe meet out for drinks first, and establish a safety word before heading on home...it can't be a word so uncommonly used that we are all going to sufficate when we forget it though...you know what I mean? So, uh...that's a lot to wrap your head around... Moving on, does anyone know the proper way to dispose of 37,000 card board boxes? If you were going to say drive to a deserted street and toss them out on the side of the road, save yourself some time, that idea already got the big KA-Bosh! I am just now settling in to the idea that this is my last year in my 20's...it's been a little rough, you know, because I'm not a doctor, and I'm still working, I'm neither of the two places that I thought I'd be, which were in brain surgery, or retired. Remember when we were kids and we thought how cool it would be to be a policeman? Yeah, now vodka redbulls are $12, and Valet is $8, and the standard gift at weddings is well over $100! So, it would be nice to be in law enforcement, but I think that Bruce Wayne is the only law enforcer that can attend more than 10 weddings a summer and still have money left over to drink anytime but super happy hour at a bar called The Bar! Sorry for the randomness of this post...it's been awhile, and it's not like a bike, you know?

Some Interesting Thoughts

2008-08-11T10:51:00.000-07:00

Did you ever realize that when you know the bartender and they hook you up with free drinks, you always feel obligated to give them an abnormally large tip? You end up spending more money than you would have if you would have bought the drinks at the normal price from someone who didn't know you had a drinking problem.

To make the distinction between "partly cloudy" and "mostly sunny" is largely bullshit.

There is nothing in the world that makes me feel as dumb or as socially awkward as when I don't recognize a movie quote from a movie that I've seen. What usually happens is the person will say a line, I'll give a blank stare, they'll say it again...nothing. Then I have to explain that while I have seen The Big Lebowski, I haven't committed the entire script to memory.

While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, and don't have family that is, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

Bacon may not be the absolute greatest thing in the world, but I simply don't know how you could still be a vegetarian after smelling it.

Autobiograpy

2008-07-22T14:10:00.000-07:00

Let's all make titles for our autobiography's, and have the titles be disturbingly revealing... I will start.

When life gives you lemons, don't mix them with vodka and then drive home, on two seperate occasions within 4 months of each other: The Blogger Hurley Story

On My Honor...

2008-07-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

I will start posting again soon...I have missed so many days of work from being sick that I almost lost my job over it...I appreciate everyone checking in from time to time.

Bad Parenting...Not Surprised!

2008-07-01T09:14:00.000-07:00

American Idol Season 5 finalist, Paris Bennett, announced that she was pregnant, with her first child...your first?...congratulations! "This makes 5 generations," her mother told a Minnesota paper excitedly! 5 generations? That would mean that for about 60some years, 4 women were never told of birth control? That's an amazing feat Bennett family! You should all be so proud. Her mother, Jamecia, goes on to say ""I'm proud of how she did it. I was 16 when I got pregnant," she added. Paris, who is 19 now, will be 20 when the baby is born. Yaaaaaaaaay! Way to hold off to the "ready for a baby" age of 20! You are a role model to teenagers everywhere. Jamecia says "I think there might be a wedding too...she has a ring!" Well then, if she has a ring...and, of course, a baby, then let's call the caterer! It's one thing when an immature child thinks it is cool to have a baby at a young age with no means of support and a short term boyfriend, but when the mother is happy and elated that she didn't do it when she was 16, that is the message that will have Paris yelling from the rooftops in 15 years that "My baby's baby makes 6 generations, and we're all on wellfare! Yes!!!!!" It's so sad when kids are born to parents of such deluted moral values that they're never given a chance to see past reproduction. The whole thing makes me a little sick. Any comments?

Things That Should Annoy Us All

2008-06-17T10:38:00.001-07:00

When you're in line at Starbucks and someone orders a hot chocolate, or when your order in so difficult that even the barista doesn't know what the fuck you're talking about. When I have to be at work in 15 minutes, save your nerd order for after 10am when the people without employment come in.

Getting up to the drive thru and telling the drive thru person that you need a minute. The choices at McDonalds have been the same for 1,000 years, and no one tries anything new...you don't need a minute, you need some life changes. If you can't make a decision at McDonalds without time to prepare, then you have no business at someplace more complex, like Arby's. Also, that minute you wanted so badly...we all get about 10 of them, it's called the drive to McDonalds. I have never had anyone ask "what do you want from McDonald's?" and the reply be either "what do they have, or I have to check out the menu first." If this is you, please start brown bagging it to work, and save those of us who just want a number 1 with coke a little less hassle in our day.

Making multiple transactions at the ATM! If what you have to do at the ATM requires you to take your card out a bunch of times, and involves more than one envelope, take that shit inside! Those of us who want a quick $60 are not impressed with your complex banking skills, and have no time for you to fumble through your purse/wallet for your multiple cards that have different accounts at the same bank on them. If you have multiple ATM cards for the same bank, you have no business in the "fast lane," move it aside and get to the back of the line. One transaction per person! If Cedar Point worked that way, I would still be waiting to ride the Magnum from 1997's after-prom.

Don't speed up when the lanes are merging if you are just going to resume your turtle's pace after the lanes merge into one! If I am flying up on the side of you, I obviously have somewhere to be that is more important than your destination and chances are, I'm late. Me passing you, isn't going to cost you anything, and if it makes you that upset, maybe you have no business behind the wheel of a 2 ton killing machine. However, if you're going to continue your reckless speed, then by all means...

Using baby words to talk to full blown adults. Don't tell me to hang on a minute because you have to twinkle, or ask me if I can do you a FLavor. Both answers from me will be a resounding NO, and the chances of us being friends after that are slim to none.

Don't pay with more than a dollar in change. Yes, it was miraculous that you were able to collect $37 in nickels and dimes, and so what if it took 6 months, you did it!! We support your financial prowess, but when you bring that shit into the grocery store, and I'm behind you in line; please know that the reason I am on the phone is because I am calling my wife to find your car and slash its tires. If this is you, a word to the wise would be that your bank will do this magical transaction for free, and the only ones time you will be wasting there, is your own. SIDENOTE: the thing that makes this soooo annoying is that after you count it out and give it to the cashier, she counts it out again! Unbelievable!

The Best Use Of Money

2008-06-12T07:59:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine and I are in the same type of sales job, so he asked my advice today. He sold a deal worth 16K, and was supposed to be paid on the 7K in gross profit at 20%. So, his company should have paid him $1,400. What the Payroll woman told him was that there was some underlying costs that could not be avoided, so in actuality the whole deal was only worth 4K and that the company ended up losing 5K on the deal, but because of company policy they would still pay him 1% of the total deals worth, or $40! He asked me what I would do, so I told him that I would convert the $40 into 800 nickels, put them in a giant tube sock and beat the shit out of her with it. I think he's just going to complain to management, but my idea is worth $1,400 easy! Anyone have any stories about getting screwed out of money?

It's A Car...Kind Of.

2008-06-03T11:26:00.001-07:00

This lady at my work got this car yesterday, and is sooo excited about it. I guess I just don't get why someone would want to drive this thing. Besides the obvious safety hazards that any kind of wreck would bring, it just isn't visually appealing. It looks like you would put your clubs in the back and drive around the course. Can you imagine this things first Ohio winter...how unsafe you would feel? Anyway, she is really proud of it, so when she asked me what I thought of it I just said "it's Yellow!...and Black!" I think parallel parking would be a breeze, as would being missed by a giant semi when he can't see you in his side mirrors...I guess that's why the yellow.

Random Kindness

2008-05-28T09:23:00.000-07:00

At my office, the fat pig-women walk around without their shoes on, and I think it's really unprofessional, so I said "I don't understand why no one here (pig women only) wears there shoes around the office?" They gave me some excuse about how their feet hurt from their shoes and how if they left them on all day, they couldn't get them off when they got home. I was sickened by the visual and then decided that maybe I should stick to keeping to myself. My only thoughts were- why wear them at all then, and that the item of clothing that looks the most painful on them is their pants, and what happens when those start to hurt...I think that is the direction we are heading...I will keep you all informed on the day that happens, or as I like to call it, my last day working here.

Another annoying thing is how every morning people gather around the coffee pot and oooh and aaaah over that days blend (we have two blends, Folgers and Maxwell House.) They say the most ridiculous things about how hot it is or how rich it is, and start naming the places that have the best coffee. This one lady in particular starts off on some filibuster about how the best and freshest beans come straight from columbia and how she can almost never drink coffee anymore since she's tried actual columbian beans...I'm thinking, Lady, you dress like the cast of That 70's Show and drove to work in a rusted out Probe...you wouldn't know "Real Columbian Coffee," if I splashed it in your face!

Lastly, since I haven't talked about my one co-worker that has a bathroom problem in awhile, I will run you down the deets on him. He has finally come to terms with the fact that he has the shitting schedule of a new-born, and that he thinks it's his diet. I know everyone is like, no shit?!? So he has decided to stop drinking pop, except for Sprite and Mountain Dew (baby steps,) as well as giving up pig roasts, because he says it's the worst after a pig roast. I think we should all give up pig roasts...starrrrrrrrrr-tiiiiing... ... ...now! Phew, that was hard, but we did it! I said maybe you should give up fried foods and start drinking lots of water? He didn't agree, so nothing has changed in his bathroom visits, except now, he drinks Mountain Dew out of a sports bottle with a straw, which I find as annoying as bringing your own smelly lunch to work...you know the type- the ones that had garlic fried garlic with garlic sauce the night before and think it would be a treat for everyone to bust it in the microwave at 10:45!

What I've Been Doing Wrong...

2008-05-20T07:57:00.000-07:00

I know it's hard to believe that I don't know everything, but I just found out today that Baffoon is spelled with 2 F's, and it's in my top ten favorite words!?! It hit me like a ton of bricks...really! Also, remember when you could drink two nights in a row!?!

G.D.S.S.N.A.!

2008-05-14T09:49:00.000-07:00

Iris and I went to college together (lucky Iris,) and we hung out often. One particular day I was at a poker night with some guys and I was winning when Iris calls and says "hey what are you doing?" I told her and she said "that sounds like fun, we should go to Windsor!?!" So, of course, I'm in. She comes to pick me up at this kids house about 15 minutes later, and I get into her (not exactly sure of the deets on the car) eggplant, purple, reddish, rusty, 1985 Honda Civic, where I explained that I had a bunch of money, and she said she did too...so, we were off. Sidenote: she was wearing white pants- So, we get about 5 minutes down the road and Iris needs to stop for gas (I thought she should've done that before she picked me up, but whatever.) She proceeds to wrap herself up in the gas pump and leaves it wrapped around her while she fills the tank. When she punts the pump back in the holder, she looks down and notices that where the pump had rested, left a giant rust colored line all over her. She now is starting to whine that she wants to go home and change, to which I explained that we were almost there and we were not going anywhere to change, and she said "we are still in Toledo," (we were) and I said, louder this time "No, we are almost there!" Long story short, we were almost there, so we continued on. The whole ride up she is complaining about her pants, but if she wasn't such a bafoon by wrapping herself up in a gas pump, this wouldn't have happened, so I think she learned her lesson. Now, we are in the parking garage at the Casino, when we have the idea that we are going to act all classy like high rollers tonight (one of us had to do a little more acting...jk) So, we get out of the car and head for the elevators while she is explaining how she is going to order these redonk high roller drinks, and when the elevator doors open, I kid you not, there is a man wearing a 3 piece suit, a top hat, a cane and a monocle, and his wife has on a long black dress with an even longer fur coat. We looked them up and down as they looked us up and down, and Iris utters the best line I have ever heard in my entire life- She looks at the rust on her pants, points to it, and looks at the lady and says "God Damn self-serve...never again!" And even better, the couple nods an approving nod as to say that they figured that out a loooong time ago, and we got in the elevator. We talk about that day almost every time we see each other....aaaand sometimes on the phone...and in emails, but it was truly the most clever thing I have heard someone come up with...situationally. I swear she had to have peed a little when she said it...these people were intimidating, but she would never admit it.

Medical Advice From An Idiot

2008-05-08T10:24:00.000-07:00

My co-worker was walking around the office asking everyone if we had super-glue. So everyone, of course, was like, "no." That would almost be as redonk as me walking around asking if anyone had any fishing wire. Moving on, I actually was a little bored and felt like getting most bored, or is it border, or more bored...anyway, I asked him what he needed it for, and he said "I cut my hand." I thought, "Hurley, you're only a minority stock holder in this conversation, you can still get out without losing your ass," but I persisted knowing that the outcome would involve me delving deeper into my hatred for this bafoon. "Why do you need super-glue for a cut?" So he says "what you do is, you squeeze the cut shut and then super-glue over it, and then in three days, the super-glue falls off, and then by that time, it has already started to heal." I said "it would probably heal faster if you didn't put anything on it," and he said "No, it takes about the same amount of time." Me: "So, then why would you put super-glue on it?" He sits and thinks and says "I never thought about it." Me: "Obviously!" Also, how does super-glue just fall off? I think that this kid has some major mental problems, or at the very least, is retarded. Has anyone heard of this remedy?

Editors Note: Being retarded IS a major mental problem.

The Ohio Panhandle

2008-05-02T12:47:00.000-07:00

A buddy and I went to the Indians game last night, and on our way out, there was this homeless guy (white guy) lying down like he was in a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit shoot, you know, one leg up with his head on his palm (see pic,) and another homeless guy (black guy) walks within 5 feet of his "space," so the SI Homeless guy jumps up and confronts the other guy and says "get the hell outta here bro, this is my spot!" So the black guy goes "Hey man, we can share it brother..." So then the white guy comes up with the most ingenius line ever, he says "I'm gonna share you in a minute if you don't get the fuck outta here!" Oh the homeless, although foul smelling and dentally inept, they can still make me laugh...but really, don't touch me!

A Revelation:

2008-05-01T09:41:00.000-07:00

I have been using mapquest for years now, and I always pick the box that reads shortest time, but since I really only have two car speeds, those being 55 mph for residential, schools, neighborhoods, etc., and 80 mph for everywhere else, I should pick the box that reads shortest distance, because mapquest takes into account speed limits on roads, where I, however, most certainly do not.

I Did It!!!

2008-04-29T13:23:00.000-07:00

After months of complaining about being by the bathroom, "we" decided that I should get a bigger better office on the other side of the building. Although all 4 walls of this office are painted the same color as my other office, I call it "smokers teeth," it has 2 more windows and overlooks the luxurious parking lot and smoking area. I am movin' on up! What I gave up was the sounds and smells of my co-workers hourly colon cleanses, which I will only miss for blogging purposes, but I am sure he is more annoying than just bathroomly...I just haven't been able to recognize it, because I was blinded by his "operation dumbo drop" soundtrack. Ironically, my new office is closer to where he works, but, like I said before far away from where he does his "business." I also got a new...er computer, and a new trash can...it really is the little things that matter. I will keep you all informed on what transpires from here...

Those Are Some Balls On You, Lady...

2008-04-28T11:39:00.000-07:00

Today, I get a call into my office from my boss and she says "Hurley, there is a delivery truck coming and you may need to help take some of the boxes inside...is that ok?" I said "sure, no problem." When the truck gets here, it looks like furniture for the entire building and 30 different sized boxes full of papers and random shit. What is it you ask? It's the new hire's office. not only did she not help move any of it in, but when she got tired of holding the door, she sat down and had the receptionist hold the door while she ate a sandwich. After the boxes were moved in and there was only furniture left, I went back to my office, because I had to reflect on the fact that I helped in any capacity at all...I was shocked at myself. Two minutes later the woman whose office it was, comes to my door and says "hey mister, we still have a few more things..." I said "I don't move furniture." She said "it's just a few more pieces?!?" So I said "yeahhh............uh, no." Then I looked at my computer until she left. What sucks, is now, I have to work with someone else that I have a problem with...my life is hard! After the entire ordeal...(that's what it was, an ordeal) was done, my co-worker (the bathroom destroyer,) comes in to my office and said "what makes her so great that we have to move all of her shit in?" I go "Yeah, those are some big balls lady!" Somewhere in the middle of this story I forgot to mention that she was directing us around with the aforementioned sandwich in her hand. Whatta Bitch! She then says "I hate to say this, but I'm going to have to put half of this stuff in the basement, once I figure out what it is I won't need up here. But I will let you guys know ahead of time." I said "when I moved from my old house to my new one, I used Leaders movers out of strongsville, they are pretty reasonably priced." She exhaled loudly and walked away, at least I thought it was an exhale...I would like to think that it was her balls deflating.

Am I Stupid, Or Is It You...Ok, This Time, It's Me

2008-04-25T08:23:00.000-07:00

I was on my cell phone this morning trying to get ahold of a client of mine and we have this "client friendly" radio station playing all over our building, so the woman puts me on hold and about two seconds later, my phone starts to pick up the radio from our office. I was so surprised, I called everyone in my office over to my office to listen and I put my cell on speaker phone. Everyone was so amazed at how weird this was and started telling stories about how they've intercepted other peoples' conversations before, but never a radio station, when all of a sudden, a voice comes over the phone, and says "Mr. Hurley, I'm going to have to put you through to Bob's voicemail." So, what I noticed was that when she was talking, the "radio interrupt" went away, and when she sent me to the voicemail, it came back. (Are you guys already there yet, ok, but let me finish.) I realized just at that moment, that I wasn't receiving radio interruption in my cell phone at all, it's just that there "hold music," was the same radio station we have on in our office. It was a little embarrassing to say the least...anything like that ever happen to you?

This Is A Bit Ridiculous...

2008-04-25T08:11:00.000-07:00

Ok 3 guesses where I took this picture...McDonalds, no...My office, no...Right outside the Bank, Yes. I guess my thought here is, how many people are carrying their food right to the threshold of the bank, and deciding that this is the opportune time to dispose of it. Never in my life have I finished my lunch just as I was going in the bank to make a deposit. It just strikes me as weird.

IT'S A GIRL!!!

2008-04-25T08:03:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY WIFE!!! She turns the big 2-9 today! I love you Nizzle!

-Hurley

Conversation Of The Day...

2008-04-23T10:13:00.001-07:00

Coworker: Hey, next time you're at Wal-Mart, look to see if there are any good deals on flat screens, just let me know, cuz my girl friend and I are looking for something to put over our fireplace.

Me: I don't really frequent the Wal-Mart, but next time I have to go buy Halloween candy, I will check out electronics for any kind of Fall Deals, ok?

Coworker: Where do you buy your essentials then?

Me: You mean cigarettes? At the gas station like everyone else...

I think we are one or two more conversations away from stopping him from bothering me with his boring life...we will see.

p.s. who says essentials? That is what my Mom used to say before she loaded us off to camp, "do you have all your essentials?"

What Is That Supposed To Mean?!?

2008-04-22T06:56:00.000-07:00

Saturday, my in-laws got my wife, and I...I guess, tickets to Michael Buble for her 29th birthday. The seats, although they were good, were really high up...really high up, so I, being the cleverly funny person that I am, when asked how the seats were, in a text, responded, "they are so high up that God just yelled to us "hey, down in front!"" Funny, right? Yeah, my wife didn't think so either. Her response was the women's staple "what is that supposed to mean?!?" That is probably the most annoying question, or 1 of many, that you could ask a guy, because the real answer is that we have no idea... We really don't! I didn't mean anything by it, and if I tried to explain how I just thought it was hilarious, I just dig myself deeper. Any suggestions on how to answer that question, or clues on what the ladies are really asking when they ask that?

Names

2008-04-18T09:21:00.000-07:00

I was in a Rite-Aid today and this one kid, white kid, was talking to another white kid, and the first kid goes to the other "hey Jeremy..." The second kid says "hey man, I told you, start calling me Sick D, Jeremy is my slave name!" I thought that was the most hilarious thing, and maybe a little inappropriate, but either way, I'm incorporating it at work... Along the same storyline, at my previous job, I gave everybody aliases of Ol Dirty Bastard, because he had so many, and I worked with a lot of people...some of my favorites were: Dirt Mcgirt, Big Baby Jesus (which we shortened to Big Baby J or B Baby Jesus,) Freeloading Rusty, Joe Bananas (which we shortened to J-nanas,) Dirt Dog (that was mine,) and Peanut the kidnapper (which we shortened to nut napper.) It may seem juvenile, but it was alot of fun.

Am I Stupid, Or Is It Still You?

2008-04-17T07:30:00.000-07:00

I went on an appointment yesterday to give a proposal to a guy that runs a kiddie park, basically. They have go-karts, skee-ball, arcade games, batting cages, roller skating, etc...you get the idea. I give him a really good price and he says that he recieved a price from a competitor also. I said "great, which did you like better?" He said "I'm not sure, let me take a week and plug both numbers into my "special formula," and see which one is a better deal." So, I'm thinking this guys special formula is multiplication and some minor subtraction? It's going to take a week to look at two numbers side by side and see which of the two is larger?!? It was the most annoying meeting I have ever been to, because when he said that, he smiled and nodded his head up and down, like I thought this "special formula" was some secret weapon that he had to get a better deal. I'm thinking, You work at a place that exchanges tickets for giant stuffed animals; leave the math and the special formulas to the professionals. I guess I posted this because I hate dumb people. It's like when your bill at the checkout line comes to $5.86, and you give her $11, and you can see her confusion. She's like "sir, it was only $5.86, you gave me $11." "I know, I want $5 back." And then she says, "I don't know how to ring that in." And you, who has never worked there in your life, but now all of a sudden are qualified to be her manager say "well, let's see, instead of typing in $10, type in $11." And when she says "but it was only $5.86," you know she has won. Best thing to do now, is just take the change and then hand her the $4 she gave you and the $1 in your pocket, and ask nicely, "can I have a 5 dollar bill for this?" And she says "sir, I already closed my drawer." "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"

Just Do Your Job, And I'll Take Care Of Myself...

2008-04-14T11:25:00.000-07:00

I went to Rite Aid for some Beef Jerky, because I wanted some, and when I finally got up to the register after 13 days of waiting, the lady, who was wearing a clown face, takes my 2 bags of Jerky and starts reading the back of it. I said "what are you doing?" She said "looking for the expiration date on the back." I said "why is that?" She said "every so often, we will get some beef jerky that is ABOUT to expire, and if that is the case with these, I'm going to go back and get you a fresher bag." I was like "listen lady, I'm going to rip this shit open the second I get in my car and dump the entire bag in my hand and throw it all in my mouth at once...however fresh it is now is how fresh it is going to be when I eat it. I'm not buying it for a later feeding." She said "well, you know, sometimes we have it on sale, in fact I think it is going on sale next week if you want to wait." I was thinking "just ring it the fuck up and put it in a bag...beef jerky is kind of an impulse buy, I don't plan to buy it days in advance, and I'm pretty sure I've never seen it on a shopping list." This is why I waited forever in line, because this moron was inspecting everything that everyone bought? I was thinking, your job is to scan shit, take my money and make change, pretty simple, so next time I come in here, let's please try our hardest not to deviate from that very elementary routine. It bothers me when people don't know their role, My Role: I buy shit here, Your Role: you put the shit I buy in a bag...Good. Day. Madam!

Lost In Translation

2008-04-11T09:30:00.000-07:00

I went to a nice sushi reataurant called House of Hunan today, and when they served me my spread, the waiter, chinese guy, says "sir, ya sit is indasays." I said "huh?!?" He repeated himself "YA SIT is indasays!" Again "what, I'm sorry I don't understand what you are saying..." So, in the exact same way he had said it twice before, he says " YA SIT is in DASAYS." So, I'm like "I DON"T UNDERSTAND!" Finally, the manager came up to my seat and says "I'm sorry sir, he is trying to tell you that your suit is in the soy sauce." "OHHHHHHHHHHHHH, why didn't you point or something, JESUS, do you know what this is going to cost to dryclean?!?" Now, I have to walk around the whole day smelling like soy sauce and explaining to everyone that I'm not one of those ceepy people who eat sushi everyday and know all the sushi chef's by their super-American nicknames, like Joe or Johnny. (you know the type)

Second story from lunch: The manager (white,) flips over her personal coffee mug, and says "oh my God, look, Made in China!" Waiter (still chinese,) "ohhh very nice." Manager (even whiter now,) "can you believe it Jin, your people made this all the way over there and shipped it on a boat over here so I could drink coffee from it!" ME: (in high pitched voice) "AWWWWK (long pause) WARD!" He had a look in his eyes that sceamed c u next tuesday, but what he said was "uh-huh." Nice experience, it was $11, and I gave a 20, and he gave me 9 singles back. Either he was expecting an enormous tip, or he thought I may have plans, with sexy results, after lunch. I guess he could've just been out of 5's, but I tend to think that most people are judgmental and self-serving.

Odd Facts

2008-04-10T13:35:00.000-07:00

When someone has the nickname "Tiny," they most definitely are not tiny, but when someone has the word "Big" in their nickname, they always are.

If Someone tells you to smell something, it is never good, even if they actually believe that it is.

When you have to be somewhere in 10 minutes and decide to take a dump before you go, it is always the never ending wiping dump. It's like your ass wants you to be late. And, when you get there and they say "your ass is always late," I say "I KNOW!"

Lastly, when you have to fart at work and no one has even walked anywhere near your office in forty minutes, the second you let it go, there is a meeting called in your office because the conference room is being painted, or your boss wants to discuss the TPS reports. The only thing you can do is try your best to open any food you may have laying around and hope people are dumb and think that the smell that they are smelling could possibly be coming from the open bag of Doritos on your desk.

Please Stop!

2008-04-10T11:31:00.001-07:00

Don't recommend a book to me if you read at a third grade level. If I thought anything that you were doing in your free time warranted further discusion, i would've asked. And, although it sounds interesting, I'm pretty sure that the only thing curious about George is where he puts his b-a-n-a-n-a!

If you have to start a story with "you probably won't think this is funny, but...," just stop right there. Either bring the funny, or save your story for when you write your auto-biography that no one will read, and that is where you can tack on your "today's trip to Panera" story, somewhere in the middle of that. And please, don't ramble on and on for 6 minutes and then say "to make a long story short..." If you truly wanted to make a long story short, you would have listed, to me, all of your accomplishments in life, and not tried to tell me a story about the best burger you ever had...

If we are splitting rounds at a bar, I'm pretty sure that after I just bought everyone a $10 Vodka Red Bull, that when you say "everybody want a beer," for your round, I will know that our friendship had just ended.

Finally, if your ringtone has the words "Mother Fucker, Bitch, or Ho" in it, I believe that you may want to re-think your life, because if your messed up shit has manifested itself all the way to the sounds that your phone makes, it's time for a little self reflecting.

I will now get off my high-horse (his name is pompous, by the way.)

Random Acts Of Kindness

2008-04-08T11:07:00.000-07:00

My parents went away to Florida for a week, and asked me to take out their garbage for them, and it isn't that big of a deal, but the tone in my Dad's voice made it seem like they might have a mountain of garbage piled up in the garage, and if I didn't take it out that their house would be taken over by maggots and rats by the time they returned. So, I make my trek over to the rents house on Sunday night, only to find a single bag of garbage filled 1/4 full weighing less then an Olsen twin's dump. It's not that my time is that valuable, but don't ask me to do shit when you are out of town, unless it is absolutely necessary, and that would include telling me your near dead, grocery store bought, plants need water. I need water, a dog needs water, what your plants need, is to be returned and be purchased by someone who's ready to start a disappointing relationship that will most definitely end poorly.

If you are tan and there has only been 1 day of sun in the past 5 moons, just admit that you went tanning! No one is that dumb to believe that you may have acquired a California tan from 1 day of 9 holes. We all have the same sun for the same amount of time each day...to lead us to believe that you soaked up 90% of it in 3 hours is testing our intelligence, and leaves us questioning yours.

If you have to justify what you're eating by telling me that you skipped the meal before, when I didn't even make a comment, it's probably not the best choice for you...from now on, just say something like "I'm eating this because I don't care what happens to my body, and by the way, I threw down a sleeve of girl scout cookies for breakfast!" At least now my disrespect for you has been toppled ever so slightly by the curiosity that I may work here long enough to watch you grow even more enormous. It really is a win/win, and plus, you still have a bunch of thin mints in your teeth, so you really weren't fooling anyone.

Don't ask me what my favorite kind of food is, if the only reason you are asking is for me to ask you yours. Just start off by telling me what yours is, so I can move along with my day and get started on forgetting your 3 hour story on how you like mexican and that the restaurant by your house is the best...if I cared to know anything about your life or eating preferences, I wouldn't have requested the office furthest from yours and continue to call you Danny or Doug, when I know perfectly well that your name is David.

Lastly, if you have to ask if I'm kidding, there is a strong chance that I'm not. A quick reference: kidding starts out like "knock, knock..." not kidding starts out like "get out of my office, you're bothering me.."

Line Of The Day...

2008-03-28T11:23:00.000-07:00

In regards to the eventual upsets that are bound to occur in the NCAA Championship, I give you a rumination from Aaron Karo (check out his column by clicking...some of them are worth a read) He says that the following thing angers him about athletes:

Athletes, if your team scores an upset, don’t complain to the interviewer afterward that “Everyone doubted us.” Of course everyone doubted you – you fucking sucked until just now!

To Be Politically Correct, I Guess You Need All The Facts...

2008-03-24T07:44:00.000-07:00

My wife and I were having lunch with my mom a few months back, and a man that works in the same business as she does walks into the restaurant with his mentally challenged daughter to which my mom replies sweetly "oh look, there's Rob with his retarded daughter Angela...," to which I punched back "mom, she's mentally handicapped...not retarded," to which my mom says "oh no, trust me, she's retarded!" I thought this was funny, because my mom actually thought that the two were different. We laughed so hard, we couldn't even look at them for the rest of the time there.

Another time, a friend of mine was looking in the Collegian, the college newspaper of the University of Toledo, when he noticed his Homecoming nomination for king. After reading all of the names, he runs over to where me and some friends were sitting, and he was laughing pretty hard. He says "you're never going to believe this, but under this guys name they put A-RAB student union." To which I replied "uh, it's pronounced AIR-UB, A-RAB is just a derogatory pronunciation, but they are in fact, spelled the same." To which he said "Oh."

I Know This Is Juvenile...

2008-03-20T08:16:00.000-07:00

This kid at my office shits 8 times a day, and everytime he makes his way toward the bathroom, I fill up with a rage that can only be released through murder...it is figuratively driving me to the point where I want to jump off the 2nd story of the building and leave a note behind that says "I did this because my office is by the bathroom, and you have undiagnosed IBS!" It would be like someone you work with coming to your office door every 30 minutes and farting eggs and walking away like nothing happened...any advise that may or may not involve homocide? Sidenote: Someone needs to tell this kid "don't flush and run, check to make sure that the mess that you made, made it out of the bowl." I now have a phobia of public restrooms.

p.s. last week I took all of the toilet paper out of the mensroom and put it in my desk, so he couldn't use it, and he went 5 times that day anyway. When I went in after, there wasn't any toilet paper, so I thought "how does he do this." On Monday of this week, all of the pipes in my office were backed up...from what you ask? Mass amounts of wadded up paper towels! I should've taken those too, but I had the last laugh when the owner asked who was flushing paper towels and I said "we haven't had any toilet paper in the men's room for a week, but David is always in there," and then we all looked at David and he said "it wasn't me!" I would've had to tell on myself to get him in trouble, so "you win this time David...THIS TIME!"

Funny Story: I used to work with this...let's say, uneducated street girl, and she worked in the production office, and I worked in sales. She walks into the sales office one day and tells the sales guys about how she tried saLmon, pronouncing the L, for the first time last night, and it was wonderful. I thought about not correcting her, but when I snapped back into reality, I found that I was already telling her about her error. She said that her Grammy says it that way too, and her Grammy ain't stupid. Instead of investing anymore time in this ridiculous argument, I just smiled (rolled my eyes and scoffed) and let it go...until the next day when she walks into the office and says "does anyone have any lip bLam that I could use? We were like "what do you want?" And she says again "lip bLam!" I looked around for the candid cameras, but there weren't any, so I just did the mature thing and said "I'm sorry, I don't know (very long pause) even. what. lip BLAM. is. How can you be saying a word that wrong and no one tell you...I blame her friends.

The Moral Highroad: Now Charging Tolls

2008-03-18T05:42:00.000-07:00

Today my wife went to the ATM to take out $40 and when she typed in $40, she recieved $240! She texted me to let me know that she had done a good thing by returning the money. Part of me was glad that she did that, but the broke part of me kind of wished that she would've had a moral lowroad moment and kept it. It reminded me of the Simpsons episode where Lisa helps Mr. Burns with getting his fortune back and, and does some dishonerable things to obtain that. In the end, for Lisa's help, he awards her with 10% of the $120,000,000 he sells his sea life killing invention for, and while Lisa holds the check in front of Homer and Marge, Marge tells her to do what she thinks is right, to which LIsa rips the check up...immedietly after that, Homer has a heart attack. In the hospital Lisa apologizes to Homer explaining that she didn't feel right keeping it and Homer says "that's okay sweety, But we really could've used that $12,000. To which Lisa says [nervously] Um, Dad, ten percent of $120,000,000 isn't $12,000, it's...(all you here is him flatlining.) That's not to say I was going to have a heart attack over $200, but if an extra $1,000 comes out next time...I will take that as God's way of saying, "we're going to DisneyWorld!" What would you do? And Please, if you wouldn't give it back, just say so.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2008-03-17T10:07:00.000-07:00

I Think We Are Both Winners Here...Don't You?

2008-03-12T07:05:00.000-07:00

If you recall, a couple weeks back, I posted something about the guy I work with having the liscense plate of "meat wgn," well my powers of persuasion have claimed another loser (fist shake in the air.) Over the past 4 months I have made it a point to let this kid know that the liscense plate saying "meat wgn" on it might or might not, with a strong lean toward might, lend people to believe that there is a 90% chance he is a retard. When that didn't work I would say things like "did you leave your stuff in the meat wagon," or "were you late because the meat wagon wasn't rollin'?" He told me to stop, I persisted, and 11 short weeks later...new plate, which he made sure to tell me had nothing to do with me, he said he had to renew his plates anyway. I said "yeah, but you could've got the same plate if you really wanted it." What he said was: "I guess I justed wanted a brand new plate." What I heard was: "Hurley, you are the winningest winner that ever won."

American Dad Is One Of The Funniest Shows On TV

2008-03-11T08:29:00.001-07:00

Something to know, he works for the FBI.

Pay No Attention To The Woman Behind The Drapes

2008-03-10T13:37:00.001-07:00

So, Iris refused to tell this story, so I will. It was a warm day back in '03, 2003 that is, and we; Iris, Iris' sister, me, and some other drunk fraternity guys were at my fraternity house and some 80's song came on, and we, not me though, were dancing in a room off of the kitchen when Iris decides that it's a good idea to try to "outdance" the other dancers. So, she grabs the drapes (good word) with her hand and then rolls herself up in them and continues to dance, if I might say, like a fool, in the drapes, you know, doing everything from the running man to some move where she was bouncing up and down...we were laughing pretty hard, when all of a sudden, this guy, we'll call him Steve, walks down the stairs into the room, looks over at the dancing drapes, and just boots Iris right in her face. It was kind of funny because her "up-down" dancing came to a quick halt and she slowly unraveled herself, one quarter rotation at a time, from the drapes and just stared at him, to which he replied "oh, I'm sorry I didn't know it was you in there." Iris looked stunned and said "well, then, WHO were you TRYING to kick in the face?!?" To which Steve responded "Uhhh, Arrrrgh!" and then walked away. I laugh everytime I think about it...so funny.

Pack Your Bags, We're Taking A Guilt Trip.

2008-03-10T10:01:00.000-07:00

Why is it that people try and make you feel guilty about going out and drinking? Isn't that what 20-something guys do? My sister and mom's new guilt reel includes the phrases (said condecendingly) "are you going to get your drink on tonight, do you have to drink to have a good time, how are you getting home, is that all you do, can't you have fun without drinking, and, I don't know who the bad influence is, you or your friends?" The answers to these obvious declarative "questions," are yes, yes, don't know, no, no, and probably both. I love that it is some peoples goal in life to try and make themselves seem mighty by pointing out things that you do that they don't, even though, you know they do. It's like when people are really outdoorsy and they say things like "if you tried fishing at 5am you would really like it, I guess TV is too important." Which my response to that is "yeah, it kinda is, have you SEEN Lost?" I live in the world where telling your friends that they aren't drunk enough is totally acceptable, and for not drinking a shot that was bought for you, you get called a pussy, where I don't have $100 for the electric bill, but I do have $70 for 8 shots of Patron Silver, and where $6 for a bull ride that lasts 18 seconds seems more reasonable than $3 for milk that lasts 18 days, where throwing up is the middle of your night, not the end, and where everybody knows your name...maybe not when you get there, but they're cheering it when you leave. I call this world, Liquor World, and in Liquor World, cigarettes are as good as cash, there are no bedtimes, and eating some kind of meat sandwich at 3am that you would never even look at at 3pm, is the norm. Can I get an Amen?

If You Look Close, He's The One Holding The Bong.

2008-03-10T09:12:00.000-07:00

I was watching the Today Show, well, today, and I saw the story of the two girls that got murdered last week, one from UNC, and the other from Alabama, and they were showing a photo montage of them at various points in their young lives, from the ages of 18 or so to the present. The pictures included one of the girls in a gazeebo with flowers around, one doing some community service work, one with her parents at church, one with one of them studying some big books, one at the library, a video of one giving a tour of the campus, and one in some angelic pose at the beach. My first thought should have been "how sad that they were taken so early," but all I could think was "oh my God!, if I get murdered, all my pictures are going to be me holding alcohol, smoking cigarettes, and the occasional theme party, where I failed to participate!" I was thinking, with the exception of my wedding pictures, there aren't any pictures of me that don't make me look like that Natalie Hollaway Kid from Aruba. It was a little disturbing. It was a freightening revelation, but I've calmed down now, and hired a photographer to follow me to church...his first day on the job will be Christmas Eve...don't judge me lest ye be judged...that's from the Bible, I think it's somewhere in the back.

Fizzix Is The Shizzix!

2008-03-06T08:06:00.000-08:00

I am constantly being drawn in by ad campaigns marketed at 8-12 year olds, like, I still love Gushers, and Fruit Roll-ups, and I like to spread the word on things that I think are great. I didn't have a blog when I was trying to double the sales of Nerds Ropes, so they would never go away, but if you haven't tried them yet, you are missing a flavor train! My new find is something called Fizzix Yogurt, which is a new line in Yoplait's GoGurt empire, which I hated Yogurt until they came out with GoGurt about 8 years ago. Fizzix is carbonated yogurt with flavors like Blue Rasberry, Cherry, Strawberry Watermellon, and Fruit Punch, and it is crazy good. Give it a try and let me know what you think, it's $2.79 for 8 tubes, and you will definitely thank me for this great find. p.s. If you want your friends to try it after you do, may I suggest you not use the term "explodes in your mouth." That may turn people off.

Some Random Randomness

2008-03-05T10:53:00.000-08:00

I read in National Geographic last week that wherever you are in the United States, even in your bedroom, you are almost never more than 6 feet away from a spider. I now sleep in my car, in a big plastic bag with an oxygen tank.

I'm watching some Idol lately, and is it me, or are every other singers tongues blue? What the fuck?!? Is there a bowl of blue raspberry jolly ranchers stage left?

Did anybody see Obama's spech last night? He was very (new word/phrase alert) "Martin Luther Kingy." I will try to give you a little insight into how it went if you didn't see it. I will do my best to write phonetically so you can fully appreciate the time travel that I felt. He goes "we were toooooooooold we couldn't belieeeeeeve in chaaaaaange! We were tooooooold...(something else we apparently told him that didn't make any sense...to me)" Then he goes into, what I think were the lyrics to Lee Greenwood's "God Bless the U.S.A." He says "From the laaaakes of Minnesota...to the hiiiiiiiills of Tennessee...'cross the plains (pause) of Texas..." At this point I was thinking if this man says from sea to shining sea, I'm going to shit my pants. Lucky for my underwear, and subsequently, my shower drain, he didn't, but what he did do was go into some BIZZARRO story about some little girl going to a foreign country and when she was asked where she was from "she can saaaaaaaaaaay with priiiiide, that she was American!" Then I thought, aren't people from Canada American also, so I guess she could go to a foreign country right now and say American and really mean Canada. I thought his whole speech sounded desperate. His last story he told was about an old woman who sent a money order for $3.01 along with a scripture verse. Uh, don't money orders cost, uh, money. Was this woman that skeptical of the US mail that she was worried that her $3 and 1 penny may be lost. In her defense, she wouldn't get to write off that fortune if it was lost. ALSO, is that supposed to generate some kind of feeling of compassion, and if so for what? It just made me feel angry that Obama was taking some old lady's last penny. Any thoughts on what transpired yeaterday?

I Abbrev. Ev.

2008-03-03T12:02:00.000-08:00

I find sometimes that trying to decipher some peoples text messages is a lot like looking a big bunch of confusing vanity plates. I got a text yesterday that said "sor bot LN well gt 2gtr smtm sn." That was to say that they were sorry about last night and we will get together sometime soon. It's becoming a little ridiculous with the abbreviations. My dad, new to texting, learns a new abbreviation everyday, but sometimes he will venture out himself and try to create new ones without telling anyone. Last week, he texted me to see what I was doing, and to tell me not to argue with my mom, so I texted back, the very mature answer of, "her first." To which he replies "ok. B A." Go ahead and take a guess what that means. I texted back BA? He texts back "Yeah Hurley, Bad Attitude!" I had to laugh, because in his mind, I bet, it couldn't have been more clear. Any good text stories, now that it is the main way to communicate with people 18-49?

Come On, That's Impressive

2008-03-03T09:42:00.000-08:00

My sister celebrated her 30th birthday on Sunday, so we all went out on Saturday night to dinner and followed up with Dave and Busters (adult arcade,) afterward. We were playing basketball, skeeball, horse racing, and other various games, when my wife spotted a game that she thought I should play called Spin-N-Win! So I looked at the game, which when you added it up, cost about $2.50 to play, because the top pay out was 1,000 tickets. So, I was persuaded to play once, and if you look at the picture, the 1,000 seems impossible to get, right? So we waited in this redonk line to play, and the first time I played, I hit the 1,000 tickets...first try! That led my sister to break down her philosophy that the game was rigged to stop on the 1,000 mark every so often, and if I thought I was so great, do it again. So, I tried again, but this time, I made the comment "even if I don't get it, it's pretty impressive I got it the only time I ever played." So, the light is going around, and I stopped it again, right on the money! So, here I am with 2,000 tickets, looking like I go to this place every weekend, and actually feeling like I won the SuperBowl. Then, I thought, "I'll play one more time, just to see if it was a fluke," and wouldn't you know it, I hit it again...3 in a row! It was pretty amazing. I only wish that I knew I had this talent when I was dating...Ladies love the guys that can hit the thousand tickets...it gets em hot!

Okay, Which One Of Y'all Pushed Me?

2008-03-03T07:37:00.000-08:00

Being late has become something that I am really good/bad at. Today, I woke up on time, and decided "today is the day that I will be at work on time," but my feet had other plans. While running down the stairs to get to my car, I jumped the last four steps, because I'm awesome, or so I thought. After clearing the first three, I had a little trouble with the fourth, where the back of my heel caught the last step, and I landed, pretty hard, on my right ankle. I heard a huge snapping sound, and fell to the floor in a well dressed mess. On my way down, I thought, "hurry, grab on to something," but what I grabbed onto, was my suit coat that I was wearing, so all that accomplished was ripping a button off my suit. As I lie on the ground, I was seriously considering throwing up from the pain, but then I thought about the clean-up (note: if I was at your house, I would have thrown up,) then I thought "am I too old to cry?" I ended up just swearing like a Chris Rock special, and whining a little as I crawled to the couch thinking how I might parlay this into some kind of sympathy generating day off from work. In the end, I sucked it up, and made my way to the garage and got in my car. Everything was going fine until I realized that my right foot is my driving foot, and that every time I hit the brakes, I felt like shitting my pants from the mind numbing pain. It's been three hours since "the incident," and I am feeling a mixture of emotions. The obvious one being pain, and then there's the happy feeling that I have that my wife wasn't there to see it, because I'm pretty sure the sight of me whining on the ground, dry heaving, swearing, and crawling around on the floor wasn't the man that she thought she married...although, I'm thinking that would've been a similar scene to what took place at our wedding reception...Ohhhh Me!

Set Your Face To Stunned

2008-02-29T11:39:00.000-08:00

I can barely get myself to work out now! When this comes out, I'm going to be in some catatonic state for months! Pretty cool though.

Timer And I Have The Exact Same Legs...Sad

2008-02-29T10:41:00.000-08:00

I was perusing another blog and ran across someone commenting on The Letter People, and I got a flash back to all of those truly informational PSA's of the 80's, that I just don't see anymore. Kids TV was so great in the 80's. This one that I posted is of that creepy yellow blob thing named "timer," he had a bunch of greatest hits, but this is the one I remeber most. ALSO, does anyone remeber the PSA about Yuckmouth?

SNL, Funny, But True

2008-02-26T09:16:00.000-08:00

I thought this was hilarious, not so much because I agree with her support of Clinton, but because it reiterates my belief that Democrats are driven by the media. Click here.

Would It Have Killed You To Agree With Me?

2008-02-25T12:46:00.000-08:00

There are things that we do when we are alone that we think everybody must do, until that time comes when you feel like sharing these things, and it doesn't turn out so well...it sometimes can be a crushing revelation. The following are a couple of those times, but I think that some people might be lying, or that's what I need to believe to make myself feel better. Me: "You know how sometimes you fart on your hand and then smell your hand afterward?" Everyone: "No." / My Friend: "You know how you get that liquid that forms in your bellybutton, and it stinks?" Everyone: "Uh, No." / Another Friend: "you know how when you're masturbating in the shower and your knees give out and you go down really hard?" Everyone: "Not really." / Friend that drinks too much: "You know how when you drink a lot, and the next day you throw up and theres a little blood in it and it makes your mouth taste like shit for the whole day." Us: "No, I would get that checked out." / Me: "You know how when you take a shit after eating a lot of peanuts and there's this orange oil floating on the surface of the water?" Everyone: "I'm sorry, what?!?" Things like this happen to me all of the time, because I'm weird and like to occasionally overshare, because sometimes you find someone that will say "I completely understand what you're talking about," and then you feel a little less odd. Any overshares like that happen to you?

Emergency Texts and Violent Voicemail Messages

2008-02-22T09:01:00.000-08:00

I think that a good idea is to have a text that you send to people in case of emergencies. At my office, I have implemented an emergency text "the duck flies at midnight." If you receive this text, you are supposed to drop whatever you are doing and go straight to the bar closest to the office, because obviously some shit went down and we need to talk about it over 6 or 7 drAnks. I've only had to use it once, but everyone was pretty compliant, and I'm pretty sure no actual work got done that day. Another thing that is all the rage for, I think, me only, is leaving violent voicemail messages. I'm so tired of the standard "hey, give me a call when you get this," and "just seeing what you're doing tonight," because no matter what you leave, the person has to call you back anyway. So, I started leaving messages like "call me back or I'll break your legs," "if you want to keep all your teeth, you'll call back asap!," and "If I don't see your number come through my phone in 5 minutes, I'm going to fuck your ass up." It breaks up the monotany of listening to your messages, and I imagine puts a smile on the face of the people who receive them. Obviously, I'm half kidding when I leave those, but they're pretty fun to say too, and you can make up new ones all the time. Warning: you might surprise yourself at how good you are at leaving these...I know I have. Let me know if you think this is a good idea, or try it and tell me what you left, and what the person that got it thought. I've been doing this for years, and have many satisfied customers, and one person who called me back and left a message that said "I don't know what happened last night, but whatever I did, I'm sorry." Obviously I had used a violent message on someone that wasn't aware of my excellerated humor...that'll happen from time to time, but it's worth it.

Oh Why Oh Why Oh, Do I Live In Ohio?

2008-02-22T07:53:00.000-08:00

There is nothing to do in Ohio, except wait for Spring/Summer, and Spring in Ohio is just like winter except there is just a little more sun. So, when I saw these genius commercials for California, I got a little jealous, and wanted to go immedietley. The tagline is "California, Find Yourself here." They're pretty cool. Check 1 out by clicking here, and the other by clicking here, and let me know what you think.

Knight Rider Wins, Which Means I Win!

2008-02-21T13:31:00.000-08:00

Knight Rider won Sunday night for NBC, 12.7 million viewers, so insiders, whomever they are, are saying that it is a lock to be in the line-up this fall. Yessssss! Now, all I need is for the A-Team, Airwolf, and MacGyver to come back, sit me down in a bean-bag chair with some burple, and I can completely re-live my childhood...but this time, with alcohol. I love it when a plan comes together!

Ohhh, Me!

2008-02-21T07:46:00.000-08:00

When two people at my work are arguing and one says something pretty clever or funny to the other, even though I'm not in the conversation AT ALL, I shout from my desk "ZING!" It makes me laugh to myself, and adds to my mystery.

When someone annoying is talking to me at work, and they say something that's not even remotely sexual, I say "that's what she said," to show that it may not be worth continuing the conversation with me. Example : Them: "so, last night my kid had a really bad cough." Me: "That's what she said!"

When someone asks me if I think a certain person is cool or not, my reply always is "he's no Burt Reynolds," because, really, who is?

And my last Idioms for the day: When guys at my work come in with a their suit looking like they slept in it, I either say "oh, cool, is that "suit in a bag?,"" or "you actually have to plug the iron in, not just wave it over your clothes." And if they say they did iron it, I say "what'd you use, a 9-iron?" And when people wear non-dress shoes with their suit to work: "oh, cool, are those steel-toe?"

As you can all imagine I am everyone's favorite co-worker.

I Have A B.A. In Bullshit And A Minor In Beating The System

2008-02-20T11:56:00.000-08:00

Oh Verizon, when will you learn? My favorite thing to do when I need to make a 411 call from my Verizon mo-bile phone is to call 411 and say "yeah, I just called and they connected me to the wrong number, so can I have a credit for that call?" They always say yes, and then they say "what number were you trying to reach?" And then it always ends up that the number you want, even the half-wits at Verizon couldn't screw up. Your like "Red Lobster on Main Street!" When you get your bill, if your as skilled as I am, there are a bunch of 411 calls followed by a bunch of credits. Texting google would work just as well, but then you wouldn't get the satisfaction of taking down "the man." Okay, now that I've got your attention, another thing that I like to do when life gets boring...as it do, is go to the drive thru at McDonalds before work and say something like "hey, I ordered 3 bacon egg and cheese biscuits last week and 3 hash browns, and they only gave me 2." Now the tricky part about this is some "restaurants" keep a log of mistakes, so to avoid that trap, just say something like "they said they were going to put my name down and that I could come and get those things on my next visit." This one works about 95% of the time. I know you are all thinking how cheap and dishonest this is, but what you would be surprised to know is how good you feel after you've done it...and you do. Deciding to post this all started when I got my Verizon bill down from $192.62 to $117.62 today using only the bullshit in my mouth and the lies in my head. The high from that has not left me yet, and that was 3 hours ago!

The Ol' Turnaround Eh?

2008-02-19T13:11:00.000-08:00

When you aren't sure why someone has just said something to you, I find that it's best to say the exact same thing someone else says to you, back, but with a high pitch on the second last word to show emphasis, while at the same time announcing to everyone that "yeah, I'm crazy!" For instance this guy walks into my office today and says "(laughing like the boss from "Office Space") I'm gonna put a treadmill in your office...heh, heh, heh" So, I think you know that shit is getting a round trip, so I said "I'm gonna put a treadmill in YOUR office...heh, heh, heh" He just walked away, which is the result I was looking for. So, kids, mission accomplished, and next time he has something unimportant to say, he'd be wise to save it for someone who doesn't know the "Ol' Turnaround." Really, it's genius, and you can use it no matter what anyone says to you...try it. A little warning though, if he then replies with the exact same thing back as you said with even more emphasis on the second to last word, RUN! You have just encountered a Varsity player, they're rare, but they're out there.

If You're Crazy and You Know It, Fake An Accent

2008-02-14T07:19:00.000-08:00

I fucking haaate when people go to a different country or even a different part of this country for that matter, and come back talking like they somehow picked up the accent of that place in the week that they were there. Like when this girl I know, it's usually girls who pull this malarkey (grandpa word,) went to Tennessee for a weekend, and comes back and says shit like "y'all know what I'm fixin ta do ta-night?" then follows with "oh my God, did I just say that?" Then annoying girl laughter ensues. It's like, am I to believe that you had that loose of a grip on your dialect that one week away from it would cause you to have an entirely different one?!? Come on! Another time, this girl, (of course,) moved to London, and then came back 3 months later for a visit. We all went out to dinner, and got into some polite conversation where it was asked when she got into town. Which she replies, in her best Sharon Osbourne"I came across the pond on sat-a-day." (annoying, right? Stick around, it gets better...or worse) Then someone says "So, are you taking off work this week to be here?" And she goes "no, no, no, I'm on Holiday." At this point, if I had a gun, I would've shot her riiight in her face. This kind of behavior shouldn't be accepted if it's witnessed, and it should always be called out as fake. It is so ridiculous. It would be like if we all had dinner at Outback, and I walk out saying shit like "Gooday mate, I'm gonna go have some pints with summa me blokes." This kind of shit is a scream for attention, and that scream should be answered with the attention of the punching or kicking type, basically I'm condoning some display of violence as a response. Let me know if you know what I mean. C Y'all!

Line Of The Week

2008-02-14T07:15:00.000-08:00

"I have this sneaking suspision that when people say "no worries," they mean just the opposite."

In other news, how annoying is it when people say "no worries?"

What Time Is It? It's ValentiMes!

2008-02-14T05:55:00.000-08:00

Although I've been known to exaggerate a bit, probably one of the most annoying things ever, is the mispronunciation of words by people who are stupid, but I'm not complaining*(see bottom for disclaimer.) Today brings up one of my favorites (not.) Happy Valentimes Day! The way that people say it so nice to you, you almost feel bad for having the homocidal feelings that you do, but, hey, they started it. It's unbelievable that you can be an adult, and have gone through 20-30some February 14ths, buy a million cards, see the word everywhere for a month, and still say it wrong. I just think that at this age, to be confusing an N for an M is redonk. Another one that gets me, which, thank God won't be around for another 10 and 1/2 months, is Happy New Years! Why add the "s," it's only one year? Are you wishing me a good life, is this the last time you are going to see me, ever, do you know something I don't? I almost can see the confusion on this one...almost. I mean, New Year's Eve was the day before and you're probably hung over a little that day, so it is very slightly understandable where you got a little attached to the "s" from a night of hard core drinking. But, why a week into the year, are people asking "how's your New Years?" Again, you try to hold your fists in your pockets, but as I get older, it's getting more and more hard. Anyone got a mispronunciation that makes them hurt, on the inside?

*Whenever I qualify a statement by adding "but I'm not complaining," you can be assured I most definitely am.

I'm A Bad Citizen

2008-02-13T10:31:00.000-08:00

Sometimes things that I find hilarious are a little alarming to most, but one thing I have always thought was hysterical was littering. I know, it sounds bad, but I am obsessed. Whether it's cleaning out my car via my sunroof, or "accidentally" dropping my pop can or wrapper while I'm walking, everytime it hits the ground, I laugh pretty hard to myself. The best though, is when you get that huge handle bag from McDonalds, and it's full of all your garbage, and you just launch it out your sunroof, and that thing hangs in the air for 5 solid seconds, and then comes crashing down and blows garbage all over the highway. Watching that from my rearview is enough to make me swerve off the road because I'm laughing so hard. One time my sister called me right after I did that, and I answered the phone, and could barely talk. When she asked me what was wrong I said "threw McDonalds bag...out sunroof...hit highway," and then she interupts me and says "oh, you threw it out your sunroof and it blew all over the highway...I love that!" Right away, I knew we had grown closer. If you are ever having a bad day, you might be surprised what a little bag of garbage blowing all over the highway can do to your mood. If you do decide to give it a try, let me know how it goes. Sooo Funny! Ohh, Me.

Weird Conversation I Had Today

2008-02-13T09:41:00.000-08:00

Me: What are you up to? Girl: Oh, I'm at the Cincinnati airport on a layover. What are you up to? Me: Just sitting at work about to go to lunch. Did you see the haters on my Blog from yesterday? Girl: Yeah, what was that about? Me: I don't know, but it was pretty funny. Girl: Did you get a chance to read my blog today? Me: No, why is it funny? Girl: Just read it! Me: Ok. Are you in Cincinnati for work? Girl: No, I'm on my way to Virginia to testify in a child molestation case. (Talk About Burying The Lead....Yeah, I went to the store, went to the bank, got some gas, listened to the radio for a bit, had lunch with Burt Reynolds...) Me: Really?!? Girl: Yeah, you know, they needed an expert witness. Me: (laughing) Okay. (Never in my life did I think that a friend of mine and I would be involved in a conversation that involved the terms expert witness and child molestation, at least not in the same sentence.)

Guys Night Out

2008-02-11T08:57:00.000-08:00

Saturday, ma lady had a little "girls night out" with her sister, so I decided to have a guys night out with a few friends. The plan was to drive to one location, our place, and then take a cab from there to downtown and then take a cab back and stay over our place. This way, no dui's, and...well...just no dui's. So, when retelling the tales of our nights the next day, I was thinking "we had suuuuch different nights!?! When girls have a "girls night," it usually always includes dinner and it starts at some redonk time like 7:00 or 7:30. When guys have a night out, it almost never includes dinner and 7:30 is when we pre-drink before we get in the shower. *Sometimes we drink in the shower. It usually kicks off at 9:30 or so, or just when everybody gets there, and we don't think to call the cab until everyone has arrived, and then we wonder why the cab is taking so fucking long, and how lame it is that the host person has 4 different kinds of alcohol, yet no mixers. So usually someone runs around the house mixing whatever they can asking the most daring person, "here, try this," and then when no one is willing, we end up splitting whatever concoction was made by the number of people and decide to make a shot of it, which we all take and then say something profound like "you know, surprisingly, that wasn't bad." *Note: it's always bad. Meanwhile back at the girls night out, 27 Dresses is half-way over and Katherine Heigl has gotten herself into some sort of a pickle, she's crazy like that...the plot of the movie has officially thickened. Back to guys night: we're all going downtown in a limo, it's 10:30, the cab never came, plus cabs are for pussy's anyway. We always have to tell whomever is driving that we need to stop at an ATM, because we would never consider going to the bank when the sun was out, and we all need cigarettes also, because smoking is for winners. We finally get downtown, it's 11:00 and the night is young. Girls Night: 27 Dresses has ended, with some fascinating girl gets boy twist, I'm sure, and the girls talk about getting a glass of wine or a drink somewhere, but they're tired from sharing a diet coke and eating the top two inches of their monster popcorn. "I swear it has that turkey stuff in it that makes you sleepy!," one of them will say. So, they go home so they can relive the entire movie by quoting lines and saying things like "ohhhh, I love him," and "I would never wear that dress!" Back at the guys night, we have inevitably lost one of the 5 people we strated with, and everyone has dropped at least $60. In the first 30 minutes downtown, we have been to 3 bars, and left them all because they were lame, and have already consumed 7 shots, and 3 drinks. We proceed to drink at a more reasonable pace for the next hour and a half, inevitably ordering one or two "dad drinks," at the "classiest" bar we go in, my favorite is a Tom Collins or something from the Julep family. Girls Night: "Zzzz... zzzzz.... zzzz..." Guys Night: It's now 1:30, and this is the bewitching hour. We are all telling each other things like "you're not drunk enough," which oddly is totally acceptable, and "quit cockblocking me with the bar tender!" The goal now, is to drink as much as we can before last call, because that may be the last time we see alcohol for hourrrrrs! We cram in as much as possible, by the way, we have spent all of our money, and are now using debit/credit cards, and trying to get free shots. 2:30 rolls around and we are prowling the streets yelling obscenities and standing in some sort of meat sandwich line. The, now, 4 of us get into 3 different cabs and go to 3 different places. The next morning, we all wake up to the site of, what can only have been a foodfight, and the beer we opened that has one sip taken from it. Then we reach in our pockets and count up the reciepts and call each other to say how much money we spent. Meanwhile Girls Night: wake up, wafflehouse! I'm not saying that one night was better (guys,) but they are really different. Any observations on how girls/guys go out?

Hot Wings, or Hot Mess?

2008-02-11T07:41:00.000-08:00

I think Hot Wings should come with a warning on them simply stating that A. you are going to regret this tomorrow, or, even as soon as 45 minutes after you've finished, and B. your body will digest everything except the "hot" part of the hot wing, and that part will come out sporadically over the next 24 hours, making it uncomfortable to sit at work the next day. I also think that of all the times that I said "I'll never do that again," this time I mean it...unless they're free, and I'm wasted.

Down In Front!

2008-02-08T09:18:00.000-08:00

This was our view last night at the Matchbox 20/Alanis Morrisette/Mute Math concert...don't judge me! These two who-ers were standing the entire time. I don't mean to sound like an old person, but who wants to stand up at a concert that has seats? We kept saying clever things to them like "your daddy wasn't a glass maker, and you make a better door than a window," but when that didn't work, we resorted to things like "sit down fuckerrrrrrrrs," and broke into the "moooove bitch, get out the way" song. When all our efforts failed we did the completely sane and calm thing, where we took her coat shoved it down between the seats on the floor and dumped a beer on it. Then we stole what we thought was her cell phone; turns out it belonged to the nice Indian (like the country) couple next to us. I wondered why the phone was filled with names like "Avatayr, and Kumragzy." The one who-er whose picture is above, had this ratty braided ponytail, which my wife wanted to go get scissors and cut off, which, at the time, seemed like the logical next step, but we had been drinking and I didn't know where they would sell scissors. Maybe that would've been a little overboard, but how funny would it be if instead of the picture above, there was a picture of us holding just her ponytail in one hand and our free hands making finger/thumb guns?!?

Quote Of The Day

2008-02-06T11:26:00.000-08:00

Iris: "You know how everybody thinks I'm drunk when I'm not?" Me: "Uhhh, No."

Interesting Things Said By Others

2008-02-06T09:53:00.000-08:00

"I have no idea how to do laundry. No, no, not like I have some idea but just don’t know how much fabric softener to use, I mean I have NO IDEA how to do laundry. I just had this vision that there would be some cute chick in the laundry room every time I went there who would show me how to do it. Dreams die hard, but I have no underwear."

"Getting up at the crack of dawn for work is sort of like doing the New York Times crossword puzzle – it gets harder and harder as the week goes on until it’s almost impossible on Friday."

"Why I am I constantly being bombarded with mass emails containing “new contact info” from people I never contact in the first place?"

"I stayed in my parents’ house for most of last week, which was confusing for everybody because apparantly, I sound exactly like my father on the phone. I swear one time my dad called the house, I picked up, and he was like, “Wait a minute… me?”"

"To me, single women in their twenties are like a preseason football game – it may seem like they’re trying to score, but really they just don’t want to get hurt."

"I don’t know what scares me more, the fact that my mom asked me if I want luggage for my birthday, or the fact that I think I do."

"The other day, my remote control died. I grabbed some new batteries, opened the remote, took out the old batteries, then looked down at the pile of four batteries in front of me – two new, two old – and had no idea which was which. I think the shock of how dumb I felt was enough to power the remote."

"Is it weird that when I’m introduced to two people who are going out, the first thing I do is imagine them fucking?"

"I love when someone at the pizza place tries to pay with a fifty-dollar bill and the cashier holds it up to the light and studies it closely like he’s some kind of counterfeiting expert. Stick to slicing pepperoni, chief."

Hours Of Wasted Time!

2008-02-05T09:18:00.000-08:00

http://www.hurtwood.demon.co.uk/Fun/copter.swf

My high score is 2568, but it is pretty tough. Sweet graphics, if you're NOT into sweet graphics

Who Does #2 Work For?

2008-02-05T08:16:00.000-08:00

The work bathroom is one of those necessary life evils that will always be a vehicle for embarassment and humiliation, when the simple realisation is that, like the book says, "Everybody Poops." What the book doesn't say, is that sometimes Frank from accounting is going to blow up the men's room like the 4th of July at 8:15 in the morning, thereby making it an impossiblity for anyone to go in there before lunchtime, and the vending machine is out of Tums, and you knew you should've gone at home, but what you've got brewing you wouldn't want in your house, and now all you can think about is how long it would take you to get to another floor in the building, and how many guys are on that floor that could possibly be in the bathroom at this exact time, and are you the only one on your floor who has had this idea, only to look up and see Dave, the IT guy, making sure the coast is clear near the stairwell, and making a dash for the only other mensroom in the building, meanwhile, your chin is on your keyboard, and you're trying to fart a little to ease some tension, but you're not sure if that is the only thing holding everything in, so you decide against it, and email your boss that you have to take a half day, waddle to your car and break the sound barrier getting home, you toss all your clothes off, because you can't possibly do what you are about to do when your being held back by coporate America's dress code, finally make it to the bathroom, and sit down knowing that this is going to be everything you dreamed it would be for the last half an hour, and Ohh, it is. Now, I'm not saying that this happened to me or anything, but I am trying to get Frank from accounting, and Dave, the IT guy, fired for totally unrelated reasons. Promise!

So, Where's All Your Meat?

2008-02-01T10:47:00.000-08:00

This guy at my office, his liscense plate says "MEAT WGN." So I thought "alright, I'm in, I'm going to ask him about this." So I said "what's the deets on your liscense plate saying MEAT WGN? He says "because I previously owned a butcher shop in Medina, and it was a good way to advertise." I said "was the place called The Meat Wagon?" He said "no, it was called Mason's." I said, "so how did anyone know that you were "advertising" for Mason's?" He says "a lot of people knew my car." I said "because it has meat wgn on it." And he says "no, because it's a Jetta." At this point, I'm banging my head against the corner of my desk, and said "you're the only one in your town with a Jetta?" And he says "no, but I don't see that many." I said "so how again was this bringing business to the meat wagon, i'm sorry, to Mason's?" He said "I would drive around town and people would stop me and ask about the plates, and I would say that I owned Mason's, and then I would tell them what specials I had going on." At this point, I'm was angry with myself for investing this much time into the conversation, but happy that I had a marketing degree for some reason, and the end was nigh (look it up, good word,) so I moved forward. I said "so, what are you advertising for by having these plates now?" He said "well, I still do some clambakes, and pig roasts on the side every now and then." Now, I have my "2 finger and thumb" gun pressed up against my temple, and I go "so, where do you keep all of your meat?" And he says "what meat?" Then...I fake shot myself, and leaned my head on my left shoulder and closed my eyes until he walked away. Not the most mature way to handle the situation, but it definetley was the quickest. Make note that at no point in the conversation did I mention that it was not a wagon at all, but a compact car. I knew that would've extended the conversation by at least 30 seconds. My thought on this situation is that if your liscense plate needs a back story, then maybe you should rethink getting them. And, in this case, if your liscense plate is the most interesting thing about you, then maybe I would invest some time in a really good story for when people ask, and they will ask; granted they'll be really sorry when they do. Ohh, Me!

Pardon The Interruption, But I'm Crazy!

2008-01-31T09:02:00.000-08:00

Does anyone have a guy/girl at work that just can't mind their own f**king business. I was in a meeting today and my boss asked me a question, which I didn't hear, because I was texting my buddy about this redonk BYOB SuperBowl party, and I looked up and said "sorry?," (because that's what I say when I don't understand or wasn't listening) Sidebar: some people say the dumbest shit when they don't hear someone, my two favorites are when people say "please?, because it doesn't make any sense, and (in a mexican accent (she was mexican,)) "whah happened?" This was said to me after I asked the lady at the toll booth if I needed to take a left to get to Stark Road. Back to the story: so, I said "sorry?," and this guy across the table from me says, in a voice that a 12 year old girl would use when she didn't get her way, "HE WASN'T EVEN LISTENING TO YOU!" So, I was kind of taken aback by this guys obvious dislike for me, don't feel bad for me, it happens...a lot. So, I said in a straight-up gangsta voice "jeez man, you need to take all that and shut it down. I would save that kind of hostility (4 words, hos-ti-li-ty) for your homelife, because we're all just trying to survive up in here, know what I'm sayin?" (and then I made a gun out of my two fingers and thumb and made like I was cappin' his ass, (I know, great? right?)) I think I may have taken things a bit overboard, but all in all it went over pretty well, and it got the desired effect of him turning red and shutting his "dumb maker" (mouth.) Later, when we got out of the meeting, I said to my boss "hey, is that kid crazy or what?" And he goes "you fake shot him from across the table." So I said "I'm sorry, Whah Happened?"

Who Are You Trying To Call With This...

2008-01-30T13:57:00.000-08:00

As I get older I find that my friends want to do ridiculous things like go camping, have byob parties, and get together about going in on a rental property (all three things happened this week.) My buddy says that when his friends ask him to go camping he responds with "is there a more negative word than, NO?," so I have adapted that as my answer also. I've been outside before, I get the gist, I just like being inside more, where the fridge and the shower are. They always say "there are showers there," and I say "and there is an outside right outside my inside." That's usually when the conversation moves to calling me a pussy, and then we agree to disagree. BYOB? How lame. "You bring the booze, and we'll supply the food," is what the invite says. How about YOU bring the booze and We'll eat before we come. Like I'm going to throw down $75 dollars on booze for a piece of pizza and some lays, that are probably going to baked anyway. It's the SuperBowl! It would be cheaper and more fun to go to a bar, and at the bar, we can smoke in the bathroom. Finally, my buddy called me today and asked me if I wanted to go in on a rental property in Toledo with him. I said "who do you think you are talking to with this idea?" This is the same friend who wanted to start a panini shop in Toledo and followed the presentation of this landmark notion with the comment "it will make millions." I said to him "I would love to go in on the property with you, but my wife and I are seriously considering buying this Donut Kiosk so we can retire before we're thirty." He called me a dick, and said "I'm serious!" I said "hey man, BYOhouse, we've got a SuperBowl party to pay for."

What's Your Name?

2008-01-29T06:49:00.001-08:00

This guy at my work goes to me today "Diggy's selling girl scout cookies and wants to know if you want any?" I'm like "uhhh, False?" (I was unclear on the question, so I find it's best to answer things that you're not sure about in a true/false format) He says "No, Diggy's my daughter." Again, Me: "uhh, True?" He says "no, her name is Dignity, but we call her Diggy." (like I was supposed to be privy to his family's nicknames and history) Then he goes on to say "I wasn't sure if girl scout cookies were on your diet or not, but I thought I would ask." Now, this had me thinking, are girl scout cookies on anyones diet?!? I think if any part of your diet encompasses girl scout cookies...that diet is probably going to be a gi-normous failure. "Yeah, actually, I'm ONLY eating girl scout cookies, thank God you got here when you did." Needless to say I didn't get any, only to find out later that I wasn't even on a diet and that I loved girl scout cookies...ARRRGH, I was sooo mad. Oh well, I guess my samoa fetish is going to have to wait until Diggy's return next year.

p.s. Isn't it funny that when you name your daughter Dignity, that that is the very thing that you are taking from her. That name should come with $1,000.00 in therapy and a paper hat.

p.p.s. He's white, I know it doesn't matter, but you know you were wondering!

David Caruso is Redonk!

2008-01-28T11:40:00.000-08:00

How hilarious are David Caruso's one-liners on CSI: Miami. CSI: Miami is the Baywatch of the 2000's, the only differences being that CSI:M doesn't have as much T&A, but it does have a discernable plot. David Caruso starts off every show with the most ridiculous lines ever uttered by an actor that wasn't on daytime. An example of these lines would be when a guy was murdered on a college campus and he goes "so we have a victim who started the weekend big man on campus (big pause) and ended it (small dramatic pause) dead on arrival." This is a link to a bunch of the clips of his best work. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sarYH0z948 I think I would want to be a homocide detective for one week, just so I could be late to a crime scene and say the phrase "sorry I'm late guys, but traffic was MURDER!" Can anyone come up with a line that they would use? Too funny!

Oversharing of the Week

2008-01-28T06:58:00.000-08:00

My wife and I had some friends over for some (many) drinks a few weeks back and we were discussing a mutual friend when I said that that kid came over my house in 9th grade and we would play tag in my house with a whole bunch of people. I went on to say how fun it was because my parents house has a front and a back staircase, and it was really hard to catch someone. Now for his response: He said "yeah, my friends would come over to my house and we would get under a big comforter and run around the house trying to catch people and when we caught them they would have to get under it too...we called it Catepillar!" I said "that sounds a little weird." He said "no it was cool, we would turn the lights out and make it Harder." I know what you are thinking, make what harder. I said "I think I saw that movie on cinemax, and I'm pretty sure it ended sexually." He then tried to defend it by showing us how un-gay and innocent the game was, which is the opposite of what happened. I'm sure it was innocent, but I still had to say that a better name for that game would be "experimenting," which I'm pretty sure is what the movie was called. Sidenote: Does anyone remember playing freeze tag, and to unfreeze someone, you had to go through their legs? Now let's all imagine bringing that idea up at the next office picnic?!? "Yeah Shelly, and then when you're frozen, I unfreeze you by getting on the ground and crawling between your legs!" Shelly would be at the HR department so fast on monday morning with a solid plan in place on how to spend her millions, and you would be unemployed! I guess we all did some pretty funny stuff when we were younger. Any games you played when you were younger that would be completely unacceptable now?

Other Overshares: http://isaidnow.blogspot.com/2008/01/oversharing-is-daring.html

Guitar Hero Is Awesome

2008-01-25T11:18:00.000-08:00

If you haven't played, you couldn't possibly understand how sick this game is, but if you have, you know what I'm talking about. It seemed a little stupid the first time I played, but now, my wife and I are seriously considering getting another guitar so we can both have our own. The songs that they have for you to play aren't that great...don't get me wrong, some of them are sweet, like talk dirty to me, which I have found a new love for 20 years later. But you hear the songs so many times, they begin to grow on you. If you have not played Guitar Hero, run, do not walk, to your nearest friend that has it, and beg to play. 4 hours later when they've kicked you out for overstaying your welcome, go pick yourself up one at bestbuy. Guitar Hero is the Bees Knees! You Rock!

Bros Before Hoes In the Donkey Race, but I'm Still Voting Republican

2008-01-24T10:10:00.000-08:00

I’m writing to let everyone know, because I know you care, that I am strongly in support for the candidacy of Congressman Ron Paul (R-TX). I know, I know, another Texas Republican...
No pressure, but check out his site.

For more information on Ron Paul, visit his website at http://www.ronpaul2008.com/

Although you may remember Paul's unsuccessful run in 88 as the Libertarian Party Nominee, Paul was always a registered Republican, although he does have strong ties to the Libertarian Party still.

You may also want to check out the Libertarian website at http://www.lp.org/, and you might be surprised of all of the things that you are in agreeance with there.

Damn Hershey's and Their "Healthy" Snacks

2008-01-23T09:52:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty positive that I am missing the point of these things coming in 100 calorie packs, because I ate half the box, but they're really good...check em out. It's a combo of cereal, chocolate chips, and chocolate chip cookies. It kind of looks like gerbil food, but I seriously doubt that gerbils could appreciate how good this shit tastes. Sidenote: If you don't dump the entire bag into your hand and throw them into your mouth all at once like popcorn, they last longer.

If You Can't Say "I'm a Jack-Ass" With a Hat, Say It With Shoes

2008-01-23T07:23:00.000-08:00

Lebron James came out with a shoe, I saw on Mike and Mike this morning, that was inspired by the New York Yankees?!? Lebron, remember, was just in some hot water with Cleveland fans for wearing a Yankees cap to a game at Yankee Stadium versus the Cleveland Indians! He even went so far as to predict that the Yankees would win, which they didn't. It's not so much that anyone cares that he is a Yankee fan, but nobody wants to see their "sports leader" rooting against their hometown, especially at an away game. It's just a low blow. It would be like Bush giving the State of the Union address wearing a "Go France" tie and a turbon predicting how the euro is going to crush the dollar again this year. Next time you feel the urge to be inspired be something Lebron, why not let it be winning games.

Say What Randy?

2008-01-23T07:15:00.001-08:00

Just a short note, because I'm not a huge Idol fan, but I think it's amazing when Randy Jackson goes "girl, you can really blow," and then she giggles with excitement. Makes me laugh...hard.

I Don't Get It

2008-01-22T07:41:00.001-08:00

Why does everybody think that they are funny? People will admit that they are a bad friend, mother, father, a poor athlete, not smart, ugly, over weight, too skinny, mean, or selfish, but you can't get anybody to admit that they're not funny. "I'm different funny." "It depends on what the situation is." "In my little group, I'm the funny one." "I have a different sense of humor." "I'm not conventionally funny." No one can ever just say "you know, humor, yeah, I never had any of that." Ask your friends and family if they think they are funny. Say, "would you say that you have a pretty good sense of humor?" See how many say no, and how many give the answers above. It's interesting.

OTHER THINGS I DON'T GET:

Alicia Keyes: (born Alicia J. Augello-Cook, not so appealing now is she?) Is it me or is she a whiner? All of her songs sound the same, and it's getting to the point where her and Mary J. Blige are merging into the same life force. Mary J. Blige, another whiner. This is a woman that sings about no more drama, then can't shut up about her own. Her songs are full of $3 words, like percolate, that if she ever brought up in front of her friends they would probably stare at her like she was an Alicia Keyes song, you know, like they didn't get it.

Cigarette Quantity: Why can you buy jumbo, super-size, mega-size, and big bags of everything under the sun, but cigarettes come in the same 20 pack that they have since way back when smoking was the coolest? Cigarettes are addictive, if you smoke, 20 probably isn't going to foot the bill, and I'm sick of having to go to the gas station everyday to buy a new pack. *Note: quitting is not an option for me, I'm in it to win it; neither is buying them by the carton, I'm white collar, and not from one of the Virginias. Let's just make something called "the cowboy pack," or something smoke sounding, and jam it 40 deep...trust me, it will cause a lot less fuss for you non-smokers at the gas station, and give you "occasional smokers" another degrading thing to say to us "real smokers." (Snotty Girl Voice)-"It's not like I buy them by the "Smoke Stack"!?! (another name I'm trying out)
p.s. I just tried a piece of cinnamon bread from Marco's, (first time,) and it was crazy-delicious!

Oversharing and the People Who Abuse It

2008-01-21T10:02:00.001-08:00

Today at work this guy called in sick and it was my job to give him a call and let him know that there was a meeting at 1:00 that he needed to attend. So, here's how the conversation went; Me: Dude, I guess you have to make this meeting at 1:00, it's not an option. Him: I'm not putting a diaper on and driving 35 minutes to get yelled at for not selling anything! Me: (silence) Him: Hello? Me (click.) Now, see, I just don't think diarrhea is a topic of conversation that you should bring up with a co-worker, and I could be dead wrong, but that kind of shit, pun intended, should be saved for your doctor or when you were 6 or 7, your parents. Especially not the fact that you are unable to control its happenings. My surprise at the comment was short-lived because I quickly recalled another conversation I had with this guy when he had mentioned, pretty nonchalantly, that a good trick is to wipe your ass with a dryer sheet!?! Uh, a good trick for what, getting shit on your hands the fastest? That's not a trick, that's poor sanitation, brother. Not only is that financially irresponsible, dryer sheets are like 80 for $5, but I was under the impression that their main functionality was to release, not absorb. I can only imagine it was for olfactory reasons that he did this, but I think the smell down there is pretty much expected, I don't think I would want my wife to be like "did you just get out of the dryer?" Anyway, that's my overshare of an overshare...what's yours?

Going Green is Becoming as Annoying as Being PC

2008-01-17T07:05:00.000-08:00

A few days ago I had a chance to talk to a friend of mine in California who insists the world is coming to an end because I drive to work by myself. She seemed pretty hot about the issue and imparted a few ways for me to be "environmentally friendly." First, she says that instead of getting paper or plastic at the grocery store, I should bring my own canvas bag. So let me get this straight, I go to the grocery store and start putting groceries in a bag I brought from home? That sounds suspiciously like stealing. "Uh, no officer, I wasn't stealing this bottle of wine, I was putting it in this earth friendly home-bag." "Put my hands behind my back?" "Okay." I mean doesn't everything that is supposed to protect the environment sound curiously like you're being punked? Okay, now, let everyone go to the bathroom once and then flush...no, no, it's for the environment. Don't drive a gas car, drive this one that you charge overnight in your garage. Oh yeah, and mow your lawn at night too; helps the ozone...trust me, it's cool. Bring your own cup and fork to Starbucks or McDonalds? Pretty soon we are going to be walking around with service for 8. I hope that this trend goes the way of pegged jeans...yeah, I said it.

Another Shadowy Flight into the Dangerous World of a Man Who Does Not Exist

2008-01-16T08:44:00.001-08:00

Did anyone hear that they are bringing Knight Rider back in February to NBC. I heard that it was going to be something called a "back-door" pilot/2 hour TV movie, and as long as it doesn't bomb, it will be a full series. Although they are still in negotiations with the Hoff, to play Michael Knight, the new characters name is "Mike Tracer a bitter former Army Ranger and failed race car driver, who just got a new lease on life." The actors name is Justin Bruening. Don't know what he's done, but really don't care, as long as the new is as good as the old. Will Arnett of Arrested Development fame will be the voice of the Ford Mustang K.I.T.T. Pretty cool!

Thank you, Iris Took

2008-01-11T19:16:00.000-08:00

I would like to thank my friend, Iris Took, for creating this blog for me. Iris Took is her real name in Elvish. Did you get that? She took her name, converted it into a language used in a fiction book, later a movie, and then, used it for the name of her blog. I think if your obsession with Lord of the Rings has just come about after the first movie premiered, and said obsession wasn't evident to all of your friends prior to the movie's release, then you shouldn't be allowed to openly discuss it like you've always been a fan. Furthermore, if your collection of books has pictures from the movie on it, then you just got them! It's like that whole Jurrasic Park fiasco of the 90's, when everyone was saying that the book was better than the movie, remember that? If you are making such comments as "the book was better," then I would think that you're missing the whole "movie experience," that being, not having to read the book...what could be better than not having to read? Back in highschool, wouldn't a movie entitled intro to spanish, or Algebra II have been better? I bet no one would be so cavalier to say "oh, Intro to Spanish, the book was so much better!" I can only surmise that people read the books of movies that are already out so they can make the rest of us, that were completely unaware that there was a book in the first place, feel stupid, and to me that's just plain sElvish!